RenFengge

These are fantastic. Thanks for sharing them! For us in the US regarding, we're all still doing the 65+ age groups and those who are more vulnerable due to various medical conditions. I think I'll be able to get my first dose in April. Somehow, I haven't even gotten COVID yet even though @TurboR56Mini did, and we're pretty much always within 10 feet of each other every day haha.. I also go out more than he does for gym and work.

Thanks, @GazzaGarratt and @Plumbers Crack . (TLDR at the bottom; plus two comics from the Tumblr to help those understand my anxiety on photos) I wanted to take the time to address mental health and my own issues that have plagued me since... I can remember. The thing is, yeah, it's difficult to talk about. The non-fun stuff is, right? And, as a society, especially here in the US, we don't really ever address mental health. So, anything in that realm still carries a heavy stigma. Talking about mental health helps to normalize it. No one really thinks differently if we say something like "I have COPD/Diabetes/hypertension/etc." But, the moment the mention of anything regarding mental health comes along, it's "No. I don't want to hear it. Just stop being ______ and be normal." So, the post was more than just adding to the discussion in the thread. It was to let anyone in our own community know that they aren't alone. I have coped in my own ways for so long. I actually mentioned to a therapist last October that I don't know what or who I am if my general extreme apathy was no longer with me. I care about a very few things. I don't care about a whole lot of other things. Apathy is my coping mechanism for almost anything. We all have issues. We all have things we need to come to terms with regarding ourselves. I am not my PTSD, my depression, my ED, or my body dysmorphia. I am not the traumas that happened to me that pushed me into combat martial arts. However, and this is coming from someone who basically always chooses to "forget" and "bury" to "move on" with life, if you can't easily talk about what's going on or what previously happened, then you can't really heal. For example, it took me at least 15 years to come to terms with a certain word that I still don't like to say or type. It took 2 terrible relationships for me to really sit down and hash it out with a friend as to why I was okay (but not) about staying in them until it took 1) my friends basically intervening and 2) cops being involved. But, it really wasn't until I was honest with myself and others before I could be... this person I am now. The weird, quirky, food loving, give basically no-shits, person that Carl knows me as. So, if someone wants to ask me a question about basically anything and that question is coming from genuine curiosity and not malicious and ignorant, I'm more than happy to explain it. I hold that rule with my colleagues at work... and anyone who knows me. TLDR --> We can't grow as a human society if we pretend things don't exist. Same for a person. You can't heal and move on if you can't talk about it... especially in a safe place. Comics:

So, in my current mental state of trying to accept myself more and face my own issues head on... this is probably going to be a first in trying to explain this to someone who isn't 1) a therapist, and 2) a fellow person who suffers from such mental anguish. (Fair warning for those who are reading, this is going to be a serious post. (TLDR at the bottom) Before I get into trying to explain something that I rarely talk about with anyone who hasn't had to deal with this, let me drop this Tumblr link, which explains a lot of this very well: misspixnmix MISSPIXNMIX.TUMBLR.COM I DO NOT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER P01 I’ve been having some pretty intense internal arguments about whether or not to start posting this, but finally bit the bullet. Last year I was diagnosed with... I will start with that one of the major blessings for me during the pandemic is the requirement to be fully "masked up". No one can really see my face. Just my eyes. I can hide in baggy clothes and gym clothes basically all the time. I can stay home indefinitely. Sure, I'm an introvert. But, the feeling of constantly being judged for how I look, if I look nice or good enough, if I meet the basic standards of what people deem "sort of attractive", that pressure has been mostly gone for the last year. I am basically the only girl/woman in my family in my generation. I have 9 cousins in my generation, all guys. I grew up in a very Asian culture where the best affirmation a girl could get wasn't if she was top of her class (I was from kindergarten and up to third year in HS) or given sports awards (I collected a few because I enjoyed baseball), but if she was considered pretty. From having the perfect straight hair, to the perfect light complexion, to the whitest and straightest teeth, to the perfect nose, to the smallest waist. I was put in a few beauty pageants to please my mother, and all it did was have people pick out my physical flaws. My jaw not being narrow enough. My cheeks being too full. My height never being tall enough. My photos never being good enough and still being judged on appearance when I was not even there. My "skinniest" days was during a time when being a size 6 (which is approximately a 28" waist) still was not good enough for the matriarchs in my family. This was long before I got into actual fitness. So, it was just really rarely eating and being near skin and bones, but still having a friend who would give me a sandwich and makes sure I ate it during lunch period. I struggle with my own body image. I see a photo of myself and can point out a million and one flaws. A photo of me existing for other people that I do not deem "decent" enough is terrifying to me. Because it means I can be judged whenever. Unlike if I see someone in real life, my appearance is just a fleeting thing for that moment. Not something to be taken for judgment later. However, that is not to say that photos do not exist of me lol. A very select and curated amount of photos exist, with a handful of terrible looking ones of me, which only like, my closest friends have. My friend actually took 2 really really terrible photos of me today when I visited her, and her son wouldn't leave me alone. He just wanted to sit on my lap while I read him a book. The photos are terrible. But, I also know that she won't post them, and she also understands my mental space. So, TLDR --> I have body dysmorphia issues mixed with lingering ED issues. The Tumblr comic explains what it is like (at a more severe case). Photos of me circulating scare the hell out of me because it means people judging me indefinitely instead of during the few moments I am with them IRL. I combat falling straight down an ED hole by knowing I need to fuel myself for performance. Side note: every so often, I do think, "hey, I look not half bad today" and might take a selfie.. This is only a recent development.

I dropped a few hours into Frostpunk last night. It's literally all I can think about. It's a giant puzzle to me. I got to day 21 until I said, "Yeah. I need to redo this." Everything was going well! I found survivors, one of the automated machines, was starting to have a growing city even if I was cursing about getting more mouths to feed. I had barely any discontent.. like zero. High hope! Only 1 death by day 16 due to the crazy man not wanting to amputate his limb to live. I basically said "F*ck it. Go die. You're going to be useless anyway." To which, @TurboR56Mini laughed at how my dislike for people in general kept coming out of my mouth. Then... Then... the god damn Londoners. You prissy bastards. I gave you warm shelter, REAL FOOD (not soup!), infirmaries, and cops. Yet, no? NO? You still keep growing numbers? WHY?! So, I'm going to try again. I'm going to research slightly differently.

3/6/2021 Workout Squat Workshop Front Squat focused: Starting at 14 reps, descend by 2 to a heavy 2 rep max (195lbs). Thoughts: Once upon a time, I thought nothing of front squats. I had no fear of front squats. Rack position wasn't a factor in how heavy I could front squat. Wrist strength wasn't a factor in how heavy I could front squat. Sucks getting old. Oh, how I wanted to just.let.go.of.the.bar. Not because I couldn't push myself to stand, but because my wrists were all "Lady, what are you doing? Why are you doing this to us?" But, I pushed. I cried/squeaked/mildly screamed a little when standing at the final reps. Oh, my wrists. We need to to talk about your lack of strength. Today's bonus was that one of the members brought his pair of black labradoodles to the gym. I love dogs. However, they seem to love me too much? Just kept trying to sniff and play with me while in-between sets. We also had some hilarious banter at the gym today. Everything from sleeping positions to what do we sleep in at night to what do we like to drink... It was a weird day haha. It's going to get warmer out soon... and the only thing on my mind besides getting some old guy to train me in Kali/Eskrima/Arnis... is to figure out if there's such a thing as a portable lifting platform... so I can actually practice certain lifts at home. P.S. I half debated on taking photos or videos today. I also thought it would be funny if I just took a photo of the dogs instead. But, oh wells!

Things that my friends constantly ask for but are denied --> To take my picture... hahahahahah

Not at all! But my frame, even at the fittest is not pencil thin. Look up Kristen Lim of CrossFit. That's more my frame at my fittest lol. But, you know, change it a little as someone who likes their milkshakes and cakes very much. Hahah.

Like doing lifts? Maybe when I start the squat cleans workshop, I'll see about a video or something. Or just because no one really knows what I look like? Hahaha. Lucy Lui has a body frame where I might be terrified of breaking her just by lightly bumping into her. I am... not that lol.

This is pretty awesome.. And, yes, I do now want to visit this island. Ghost of Tsushima devs to be made permanent ambassadors of the real island | VGC WWW.VIDEOGAMESCHRONICLE.COM Creative leads to be honoured for spreading "the name and history"

Yup. You can pause. I pause immediately once it starts to try to figure out where to build and what to build. Every.second.matters. Your citizens don't want to work after a certain hour even if their lives depend on getting enough coal to survive the night. What's sort of funny is that these "people" trekked the blizzard wasteland for days, and somehow can't survive a night? Like. Wut? It's a giant puzzle to me... one that I desperately want to figure out. We got all the DLCs, so there's even a prequel to try out. I am trying to be okay with people dying. Trying. But, I can't get there.. Not in the beginning. I think after a few in-game days, okay. But not in the beginning. It's a different stressful game lol. I love games that involve tons of thinking and problem solving. And, I really really want to get my town off on the right foot before it gets more difficult!

@TurboR56Mini happened to be browsing Steam and fell upon a game that I totally forgot I wanted to play. I was waiting for it to come out, then I forgot about it. I remember reading about Frostpunk before it was released. It sounded so intriguing. From what I remember, it was a steep learning curve. It was harsh. It was not forgiving. It was challenging. It pushed the boundaries on your ethics to keep your city surviving. I dumped the last hour into the game. And, my golly gosh. It lived up to all of that. This is not an easy game. You need to think about how you will survive even the first day. How will you use your resources effectively to make it through the night. I must have restarted about 6 times - each time trying something different and being better than the last. This... this is making me think. And, the graphics and the music? Well done! I'm going to be fiddling with this game for a bit in-between Valheim and my once in a while wanderings in D2 for the laughs. This is going to be my time suck for a while.

3/3/2021 Workout 12 minute AMRAP 6 dumb bell hang power cleans @ 45lb pair 6 dumb bell front rack lunges @ 45lb pair 6 knee ups Thoughts: You ever go to a workout class and wonder "they know who I am right? Like, why why why?" That was my thought with the 45lb pair of dumb bells. Coach James saw my puzzled look when I got to my square and said, "You were easily power cleaning 175lbs on Saturday. 90lbs should be fine." I said, "But... lunges..." He said, "Oh, and your scale for toes-to-bar is knee ups. You're past leg raises." I said, "But... survive?" Overall, wasn't too terrible. But my hands. Oh, my hands. We've reached the stage of where I need to start taking care of calluses on my hands, so they can protect and not hurt. I thought I was the only one being a wuss about it. Nope. Haha.. Our top athlete said that it was doing the toes-to-bar halfway through was the hardest because it hurt! Anyway. Fun story/discovery. As I finish up the last of my boxing package, I have found out that there's like a legit Eskrima/Arnis teacher in my town. Here's hoping he knows how to check his email... so I can get sessions. I would love to break the sticks out again and just get back to what I love learning. Body weight note: I'm officially down 13.2 lbs since January 1 (I'm 10lbs away from where my body is typically happy at, so it gets even more difficult then). I actually made the February weigh in. But, yeah, how I typically eat when training and not worrying about the scale every other day is better for my mental health and leaning out. Almost in my old clothes from when I was working at a hedge fund. Then, it will be getting even leaner than that. Shooting for end of August now for overall goals due to a friend wanting to do something in October. Good times. Good progress. Good things ahead. Here's to getting back into some combat martial arts and maybe some wall climbing for summer... on top of the next weightlifting workshop (squat cleans).

Ghost Rider was a great addition to the story line... and that was at the tail end of when the show was originally supposed to end. I would have loved to see more Mockingbird and Hunter tbh. For X-Men in the MCU now, I want a build up to Dark Phoenix based on the original of it... and/or the Phalanx storyline. Phalanx was so... intriguing and disturbing and heartbreaking... and consequence heavy in the X-Men universe.

I'm so so so so sad about the DC world. They could have leveraged the DC universe created via Arrow. I love Marvel. I love that the MCU has brought to life the second tier characters. I was/am a huge X-Men fan. Always for Phoenix and Mystique and Shadow Cat and Storm and Rogue. Not super thrilled with the pre-MCU iterations. Can't wait to see what MCU does. Love the shows they are putting out. I think the fracture in the beginning hurt Agents of Shield and MCU Movies more than helped. I loved watching the series and seeing it tie the movies into them. Not thrilled with Quake in Agents, but that's a different thing haha.

The little comic book geek in me is so happy to be alive for this.

You're dumb hahahaha. But, let's make it a sign for full effect. Hahaha.

Hopped on last night for about an hour with @TurboR56Mini because I wanted to see what you guys did yesterday! 😐 Thanks for unlocking the game to throw trolls and swamp people at me at home base! 😐 Literally got up and went AFK for like 4 minutes, and @TurboR56Mini starts yelling at me to come back because I'm being hit by a troll in my vegetable garden! THEN, I get attacked by swamp people and skeletons. I thought home was a safe place. 😭 All in all, I love the progress you guys made! So cool!

If D2 is in good game development, it's because it's a cash cow. It because they were given what they needed to fix their initial Destiny and become what it is today. But, being successful in that sense is because a cheetah was asked to run and not do something it couldn't naturally do. I think a lot of fun in multiplayer games happens in spite of bad game development. For example, when @TurboR56Mini and I played No Man's Sky with a few people, just getting an update or a patch was intriguing because of various things breaking or completely changing. Every patch and update was like getting a new game. It was always a question of "What's broken today? What's fixed now that we couldn't previously do because it was broken?" I'll cite Square Enix on actual good game development, but the culture there is vastly different. We only recently talk about that "crunch" time in gaming studios, but that's like embedded in anime production and game production for them. However, they don't necessarily abandon games because they give up either. Again, FFXIV was a redo, and congrats on them for making good on that. Admitting they were wrong in a puff piece was an orchestrated move pushed by their PR, most likely. I've been on the side of companies with their C-suite needing to do this BS. I've seen the arguments that PR and Marketing make to the C-suite to do these things. They put it out there to pacify the game audience. That's it. They expect people to forget in a week. If they follow through, I will be pleasantly surprised. If they don't, it's what was expected. Them giving the studios they bought "more freedom" is vastly different than what they are used to. It's not what their Board is used to. It's not what their major investors are used to. Unless their Board is on the same page, it won't happen. And, Boards only care about profit. "More freedom" to studios is not an overnight thing. It's not even a "couple of months" thing. It's a culture change that will take time and the willingness to fight for it. I love games, and the industry as a whole makes me sad. Sony is my bright spot in how they manage their studios. Look at Bend Studios and Guerrilla Games. Look at how they are being grown and guided vs what EA has done to studios they bought. Sony does it right. And, I look forward to anything they do for the gaming world. They aren't perfect, but they have always tried to be for the gamers.

I mean... that's what I love about our constant grinding of DSC. It's not like most of us need anything in it anymore, but it's just hilarious fun. We're all still talking about the third encounter and @Kemp210 's birthday happening during it hahahaa. And, I wasn't even there!!