Leaderboard

So I get a phone call this evening, the number isn't withheld, it starts 01228 and my phone says Carlisle. Ok, I don't know anyone in Carlisle so I'm guessing it's someone calling from a place that wants to sell me stuff. I answer with "hello", and the guy, LOUDLY, replies... "Hello Euan, how are you this evening?" South African. Loud. It had to be Diddums. "Hi Dave, how's it going?" "Euan, my name is not Dave, I am Rory." My dad does a lot of prank calls. You phone his shop and he answers pretending to be an Indian takeaway. The accent is horrendous and probably a little racist but he's trying to be funny so you let him off. That's what I instantly thought of when Diddums called. I thought that the least he could do when phoning me and pretending to be "Rory" was to try and at least fake an accent. No, he phones and he sounds exactly like he normally does except everytime I called him Dave, he said "my name isn't Dave". At one point, I think I remember telling Dave that I knew it was him because there was no way he could get rid of his South African accent, and "Rory", confused, went "well, duh, I am South African." He decided then to go deeper into his little charade and said he was from Betway and asked if I was watching the Atletico/Chelsea game tonight. To humour him (he still was keeping in character so I was giving him some extra time to keep him happy), I said "no". "But we have great odds on the game tonight." He gave me some odds and told me if I bet £50 I'd get £750 back. I wasn't listening, at this point I thought I was listening to the worst prank call ever so I just kept saying "yes" to his questions. I lost interest, all the time thinking "Dave, you could be doing better FFS." He then told me he was going to send something to my email address and told me what my address was. At this point, I gave him a little credit for getting it right. However, he can easily get my email address from the site. Nice try, but not great. Mediocre. C+. Distinctly average. He then wished me a good evening and saying goodbye. I didn't expect him to hang up. So I sent him a WhatsApp: Just after that question, this SMS arrives: OOPS. The guy must have thought I was an asshole. He must have thought I was drunk calling him Dave all the time or racist telling him to get rid of his South African accent. The rest of the message to Dave:

(I am stealing this from another BF4 forum I frequent) (I did not write this) -------------------------------------------- This is obviously aimed at people who need a leg up on boat driving. It happens to be one of the things I am better at, and I can often quickly determine why I lost a boat battle if I do. If you are also well versed at naval warfare, please feel free to add to this. It is designed to help. Many of these tips are for using my preferred load out. 30mm cannon, TOW and active protection. Some of these are common sense. NEVER STOP THE BOAT See number 1. Now that has been drilled in to your head, a stopped boat is a dead boat. You are open for attack from other boats, planes and engineers on the shore. So is your crew. They are open for sniper fire. There are instances in which you may want to stop, like capping points, and you can and should, but do not idle. Do what you have to do and move on. Your first job as a boat driver is to take out the other boats. If you fail to recognize this fact, they will take you out first. Always be looking for them. Use land to your advantage to conceal your movements and deceive your enemy. Many times, if the enemy spots you, you can change direction behind a small land mass to get the advantage. You can do this to maneuver behind the enemy. Always try to attack another boat perpendicular. T-Bone the sucker if you can. It gives the largest area to attack. This also means he has not seen you and it will be a very short battle provided you don't miss with your first missile. Attacking from behind is almost as good. When attacking, fire your missile first. Then follow up with cannons. Don't waste your cannons by firing way out of range. That just puts you on the radar and depletes your ammo. After practice, you can fire your TOW from a fairly decent range, provided the weather agrees. If you don't get the drop and it’s a head-to-head battle, firing your TOW can be tricky. Wait until you are close. Engage your active protection if you are within 20 meters because he will likely fire at you. Obviously activate it if you see and incoming missile. Being the first to strike in a head-to-head battle is not as important as being the most accurate. Make sure your first missile shot counts. After you pass, circle. Circle around the enemy. Half the time he will stop to fire from behind at you. Continue to circle around him alternating between cannon and TOW. Many drivers seem to forget they can fire behind them as they turn. Most times the enemy driver will just stop his boat or continue to drive it straight. If this happens, and provided you follow this guide, you will win. Aim for the rear. At the very least, if you cannot win, you can take out his crew very easily. They will be aiming for you as well. If at all possible, always travel in pairs. Stick with another boat. When you engage, Go wide and put distance between your ally. Hopefully, if the enemy chooses to attack you, your ally will come in from behind and share the kill. Know when to retreat or not to fight. Try to avoid a 1-2 situation, or a situation in which the enemy boat has helo support. If spotted and you have to flee, make large S-shaped maneuvers until you can get back to friendly seas. If a 1-2 boat battle cannot be avoided, always go for the lead boat and concentrate on it. If the seas are rough, you have a good chance. Remember to circle the first boat. It will make you a harder target for the second. If you finish off the first, move on to the second using the same maneuvers. Help your crew out. They are fodder for aircraft, primarily scout choppers. Always try to maneuver so the chopper is in front or has trouble staying on your rear. Also, your rear takes more damage than your front, which is the strongest point on the boat. Use the mini-map to drive. Keep your eye on it as it can help you avoid beaching yourself. Don't be afraid to retreat to the spawn point if damaged. We can't always have a helpful squad. Sometimes you'll be repaired. Sometimes you'll have to regenerate your own health. Just be sure you don't sit in sight of aircraft. Remember you have gunners! Make sure you attack at such an angle that you at least give one of them a clear shot at the enemy boat. Or that pesky Helicopter that's headed towards you. Many times your gunner will be more effective against a helo than you will, unless you are using your six shot burst canon. Also, when using the Chinese boat, you may if you desire, keep your nose pointed right at the enemy... both gunners have overlapping fields of fire in the front, allowing both to concentrate on the primary target. The captain always goes down with the ship. Never leave the boat. What's worse than an enemy with two boats? An enemy with three boats. Fight down to the last point of health and don't give the enemy any chance to take a damaged boat. On maps where you know a boat spawns at a capture point, make it best practice to head to that point first, allowing one of your crew to take the boat as it spawns. Misery likes company, and two boats are misery for the enemy. As you progress, learn to use TV missiles. They can be helpful on maps with choppy or rough water where it is harder to use TOW missiles. As of now, TV missiles are not detonated by active protection and will not set of your threat indicator. They are very hard to counter. Burst cannon is highly effective against helicopters. Use it if you are highly confident of your missile skills against boats and feel you are less likely to need a canon against them. Get in the fight! Stay in the fight. Want to tick off your teammates? Sit back miles away from any meaningful battles while fruitlessly attempting to take down distant helos with your cannon. Boats can be a game changer. Your cannons can level buildings and destroy infantry. Help your team and stick close to them. Anyhow, I hope these tips may prove successful for someone out there looking to help themselves out in boat driving. It's probably one of the aspects of BF4 I enjoy the most.

Funny story that. A few years ago I'm given an entire building to look after. It's huge, 5 stories tall and it's right behind Selfridges on Oxford Street, so a fairly high profile building. The former engineer made a mess of loads of things there and generally created a very hostile tension between us and the client. He was punted off of site and I was sent in as the clean up crew. So I get cracking, after about two weeks things are looking good, I've got the emergency lights working, the legionella count is dropping, etc etc. Much commendations, many praise, etc etc. Then one day the power goes out. Entire building, all dead. The building manager comes to me in a huff and all hell breaks loose. Eventually I suss it out and it's down to EDF doing some maintenance on a transformer and blowing a phase. Eventually it's all reset and we're back to normal, but everyone's blaming me. So I get behind my PC and start writing out an email with all the details, explanations, etc etc. I look over it about a hundred times and it looks good (I can't stress how important this email was). Outlook only fucking changed my surname to "Knobbed". My boss saw the humour but I was never seen on that site again.

"David Knobbe" as the contact name! Love that!

Game announced: Sledgehammer Games statement: ''As you know, Sledgehammer Games is the proud developer of the new Call of Duty title this year and we are delighted to present our new game which will revolutionize the franchise; Call of Duty Goats. After the huge success and popularity of Ghosts; we knew that we had to deliver a truly unique experience to the gamer and after the incredible reception that Goat Simulator received; we thought fuck it; the name itself will sell the game anyway so lets just copy that and chill out for the rest of the year. We at Sledgehammer are fully committed to making Activision as much money as possible, and with our large fanbase of gamers who aren't even old enough to legally buy the game for themselves backing us; we feel we can get away with developing shite without damaging our reputation or the franchise's. We feel Call of Duty: Goats will be utter dross particularly as we have to work with retro consoles such as the Xbox 360 to maximse sales for our superiors but feel we can't do much worse that Infinity Ward and Ghosts. Stay tuned for E3 where we will be taking a closer look at our gripping 3 hour campaign and demonstrating the new old engine on the Xbox One at a dizzying 554p if we're lucky. We firmly believe this is a GOATY contender and we cannot wait to share more pointless screenshots in the coming weeks'' I can't wait for this!!

Oh they will park the bus first and foremost... Liverpools forwards have a lot more movement in them than they have been facing recently, especially tonight... But if anyone can stop SaSaS then it's Chelsea... I'm pretty much on the fence, It's even for me. Chelsea's defence is great - liverpools attack is great Chelsea's attack is hit and miss - liverpools defence is shaky when under pressure

Started working on turning one side of the backyard into a bonsai garden. Along the fence was totally overgrown with weeds so spent the day yesterday removing all the brush/weeds. Now today I've been installing some Monkey poles, laying down weed barrier, and pea gravel. Still have to get some more gravel, build some platforms on top of the monkey poles for the bonsai to sit upon, and going to cover the metal fence behind them with a long natural reed fence. I'll post up some pics when it is totally done soon. Here is where it is at right now.

I hope Chelsea were watching... You can defend well and shut out the opposition at the same time as creating chances for yourselves. Good game, bayern lacked creativity for me, possession in the right area but after a while getting frustrated they just seemed it get bored and cross it in without any thought to it...

You watched 33 hours of GoT in a week? You make me proud Cal :')

So I'm all caught up now in less than a week and regarding one subject, all I can say is: Jesus, I didn't mean to make it that big hahaha Well, free wallpaper going lads haha

What a break by Real. Ronaldo's pass was brilliant.

Red Orchestra 2 FREE today!

The Liverpool Chelsea game is gonna be very tense, and I agree, it seems like it'll be attack vs defence. I just don't see how with our current scoring record Liverpool will be stopped. We are lackluster in defence so Chelsea are going to have to take the chances they get. Hopefully Bayern vs Real will be more exciting than the garbage I watched last night...

OK so I went ahead and made the mistake of installing FC3 on PC. I'm addicted all over again. I can't get over how much better it looks and runs on PC. A lot of gripes I had about the graphics, like using textures in cut scenes over top of the animations to make them blurry and look better for console, aren't even in this PC version. I need 4 in my life!

Passive: Concussive Blows Braum’s basic attacks apply Concussive Blows. Once the first stack is applied, all basic attacks from Braum and his allies apply further stacks. Targets that sustain four stacks are stunned and suffer bonus magic damage. After being stunned, Braum cannot apply Concussive Blows to his target again for a moderate duration. Q: Winter’s Bite Braum propels freezing ice from his shield in a straight line skillshot, dealing magic damage (based on Braum’s max health), slowing and applying a stack of Concussive Blows to the first target hit. W: Stand Behind Me Braum leaps to the aid of a nearby ally, positioning himself between his target and their nearest enemy champion, and granting both Braum and his target bonus armor and magic resist based on his total armor and magic resist. E: Unbreakable Braum raises his shield in a target direction, negating the damage from the first attack from the shield’s direction and reducing the damage of all subsequent attacks as long as the shield is raised. Braum intercepts projectiles with Unbreakable, causing them to hit him and then be destroyed. He also gains a minor speed boost until he lowers his shield. R: Glacial Fissure Braum slams his shield into the ground, sending out a huge long-range skillshot that knocks up and damages all enemies caught before leaving behind a strong slow field. Read more here. I love supports, I think i'm gonna like this guy.

Jose says he will be resting the players who will play against atletico, when Chelsea play Liverpool the weekend... Cech is out for the season and terry is out of the Liverpool game as it stands... Slightly weakens the defence, so far the odds are turning in liverpools favour... Looking forward to tonight's semi final, I think we may see a few more goal opportunities with the attacking talent on shit today, really hope bale plays, apparently he's got the flu...

Watch the video of blured lines on mute. It worth it. Lol Edit: watch the nsfw video of blurred lines on mute....

I'm going to have to give it a listen, thanks!

I never thought you could beat the train story but my god this is epic! To be fair though I would have thought the exact same as you.

Soundtrack fully produced by Goatye

Well he did seem to lose a LOT of muscle as it went on! Still the cage split thing and the chicken on the table thing we're good.

Chelsea seem to be public transport parking experts in Europe but in the Prem, they are more determined for points and progression rather than goal permutations in knockout football. They need to win so they have to go for it pretty much. I'm looking forward to this game and Chelsea have a habit of making football really boring but I hope it will be another classic encounter from these two sides.

A gaming PC is much less likely to kill you. It will also make you more fertile, increase your libido, make you more attractive to women, raise your stamina, raise your Alpha Male gene and add a few inches to your joystick. Jus' saying.

Depends who they have available. Hazard needs to play.

Can't see them beating Liverpool to be honest

Rich texted BBC now: Rich in Shitey Hackney, via text on 81111: Right decision to sack Moyes. Terrible results. Each defeat made me cry like I had just bitten in to a Supercharger burger.

Today (Good Friday) marks 3 years since I went cold turkey from one & a half packs a day smoker to Zero. One of the best decisions I ever made in my life. My average Blood pressure use to be about 150/100 with a heart rate of around 110bpm. These days it is normally 110/65 with a heart rate of about 70bpm. Not to mention I've probably saved around $8000 or more in the past three years of not smoking.

To be completely honest, I hate rap music. I used to listen to it when I was younger. Bone Thugs, Dr. Dre, Cypress Hill, etc., but I just can't take it anymore. I think I've just changed as an individual and it doesn't fit my tastes anymore. I can appreciate the skill that SOME of the writing takes though. There are some truly genius lyrics out there, but you have to dig for them. Most of the b.s. you hear on the radio is absolute garbage in my opinion.