Ok
I don't know what you would like to know. Here's a crap load of stuff
So firstly it's not surprising that you never met a woman with Autism before. From what we have been told girls personalities in general make diagnosing Autism more difficult.
Girls at a young age tend to be less involved in things like sports and group activities so their interactions with peers are different.
Girls tend to do a lot of individual activities so some of the issues are less noticeable.
With regards to school and ability we have been lucky and unlucky in some ways. We are fortunate that our jobs had excellent health plans so we were able to get a number of psychological assessment done to diagnose the issues.
Bev's strengths and weaknesses were all assessed in grade 5, 7, 9 and 12. They have remained fairly consistent.
She has a very high IQ (168) but a rather low social IQ. So anything that is matter of fact (science and math for example) is less of a problem.
Things like languages and writing essays are a struggle.
Anything that requires an analysis where you have to read between the lines is a disaster. So for example when she is asked to explain what happened in a Shakespeare play, the results are technical correct but not what was expected.That gets her in trouble often because people think she is being belligerent or sarcastic.
However we found when than is explained to teachers before school starts there are a bit more reasonable. Also because she is intelligent people think she is lazy or doesn't care because the flaws are not obvious
We spent a lot of time with activities and tried to do things that build on success to build confidence.
For example Karate was great because of the belt system and progression. Kids can see tangible progress.
Swimming with the different bages was the same. She has a black belt and her national life guard. However you also have to be able to invest the time because it probably will take longer and be willing to explain your child's behavior without being apologetic to instructors
There have been situation where Bev simply decided she would not do something. Then she completely shuts down. So much so that we have had people ask us if she can hear or if she speaks english. However once an instructor knows about it, they know to move on and to some degree ignore her as long as she is not a safety risk. Then the following lesson she's fine again.
That's difficult for real world situations (jobs for example). However to her credit she seems to know not to do those things when it matters.
We've also notice that it is usually best if I deal with a problem first. I am much calmer than my wife and I don't panic easily. You guys probably need to determine if there is a go to person at home.
Bev confides in her older brother a lot and we made sure that he understood at an early age that he was expected to be there for her.
Also as I said the dogs made a huge difference. That helped a lot with empathy. Also if you are having a shit day and you are mean to the dog, as long as you don't hurt the dog all is forgiven the next day.
Herding dogs are great for this. We've had Shetland sheepdogs which are small and are not intimidating, Australian shepherds which are very high energy by just about to most loving dog you get and border collies which are probably smarter than most people.
I think it made a lot of difference to the way she developed.
We also made sure she has chores and responsibilities. She's does it fine.
We also found that giving an example of an expectation helps. For example when we say clean up your room. Our expectation of clean is not the same. If she sees it first. Then it is less of a problem.
We also identified obsessive behaviors and made sure that she understands that she needs to limit them. She's been taught to use it as a "reward" system. She loves to draw and is quite good at it. When all of her school work is done correctly (most work now has problems with solutions) she draws for an hours. That's something that can be used with a small child. You do need to hold your end of the bargain however for it to work. Don't say you will play something and then get to busy or tired to do it. It will not take long for them to call bullshit.
Anyways that what worked for us. Every kid is different so there is no magic solution
You can ask specific questions of you want