Once upon a time in a midwestern land far far away (about 3 miles from where I sit now) there was a young man who decided to use LSD in the bathroom of a Panda Express. The young man was an extremely obese red headed fellow, and I can safely say he was not ordinarily much of a runner. However in his newly freed mindset, he decided to strip naked in the bathroom and go for a little run. In the end he'd run just about a mile (per Google maps) before the misadventures of Coin Purse would end, but we're getting ahead of ourselves.
He ran through a busy intersection. How busy? 7 lanes, including turn lanes, in all directions. People noticed, and the 911 calls of a fat naked guy running up Emerson began to come in. Coin Purse ran on.
At some point during his running, his bowels let go and he gave his legs brown racing stripes as he pooped on the go. Coin purse ran on.
Coin Purse ran about 3/4 of a mile up Emerson until something shiny caught his eye. It was a basement window. He trotted over to it and kicked it in, because he hated glass or something. The burglary in progress 911 call came in. Coin Purse ran on.
Coin Purse ran deeper into the neighborhood and noticed an open garage. Inside were two things that intrigued him. A classic Chevy Nova and a giant container of hand sanitizer. Bleeding from running on bare feet and from kicking in glass, poo covered on the backs of his legs, he picked up the hand sanitizer, got into the classic Chevy Nova, and began to pump sanitizer all over himself. The homeowner hears the commotion in his garage, sees him inside the car, and yells for help. The homeowner and his oldest son hold the car shut to keep Coin Purse inside while his wife calls 911 to report the intruder. Coin purse was trapped, and could not run on.
The local constabulary arrived, pulled Coin Purse from the classic Chevy Nova and handcuffed him as he blabbered on about not much. Your narrator arrived at that point, saw the obese red headed young man standing nude, bloody, and poo covered. The narrator took an emergency blanket from his trunk, cut a hole in it to fashion a poncho, and went up to hide Coin Purse's shame for him...when he noticed there wasn't as much shame as you'd expect. There were beans, but no frank.
The narrator noticing the blood, the mental state of Coin Purse, and the lack of a frank asked, "DUDE!? DID YOU CUT YOUR DICK OFF??" Coin Purse blathered for a bit and then said "I've got an inverted penis. It's a real medical condition." Yes, Virginia, Coin Purse had an innie and not an outie. Apparently due to being cursed with a small member and having so much body fat, the base had pushed further and further out to the point there was no longer anything sticking out other than the coin purse...hence the name. "I've got a little dick. Did I make it awkward?" asked Coin Purse. Everyone present agreed that he had. The narrator assumed there was plenty of help on scene, marked 10-8, and went back in service.
Coin Purse was one of a hand full of youngsters at a local high school who got some LSD. He was not the only one to end up with some police interaction, and oddly not the only one to do so while breaking glass, but was certainly the most memorable.
I know the cop. He's one of our public information officers, and was in the recruitment section shortly after we hit the streets from training. Nice guy...but he's never been on the streets for any length of time and has always been in some admin slot. I'll just leave it at that.