John, I get you. I totally get you. I'm so thankful. But I have the most restless thoughts ever. Especially, when i'm trying to sleep at night. This happens every. single. night.
My step father was a douche bag, you know that. He has done a lot of things that I just don't speak of. My mom, the one that I care for, she wasn't innocent either. Well, why do you care for her then, Mike?
Because you can't let these people get to you. You can't let these people try and control your life and keep you down. If you let them control you, you'll be just like them.
Just because you didn't go to college then, doesn't mean that you still can't. Your life is not over. It's not even close to being over with. People that are 40 years old realize that they don't like what they're doing and go back to school. Shit happens.
I don't know if our minds are just different... but I can't disagree with you more with "When you experience all of those things, it makes you feel like you don't wanna try, or you don't wanna live." I wanna live more then anybody!!! I want to go, I'm ready. I agree with feeling like a reject to society. I feel like no one is going to look at me like i'm good enough because I don't have a high school diploma. But that just motivates me more to prove these people wrong. Because they are, they're dead wrong. I don't have a piece of paper that says I graduated, that doesn't mean i'm not smart. I'm smarter then A LOT of the people who slid through and got their diploma. Quite frankly, I don't know how some of those pot heads did it.
You feel like a disappointment because you believe your parents who are bullies. But, i'm supposed to believe my parents, Mike. No. There are somethings my mother says to me and I call "Bullshit" as soon as it leaves her mouth. Bullies have problems and like to put people down. You know that. They are probably telling you that you're a disappointment because THEY are. You said it yourself, they fill their heads full of shit and lies. Don't let them fill your head with the same thing. You're better than that. You are. It doesn't matter if they are your parents, you need to stick up for yourself. My mom and I fight almost everyday sometimes. Because our personalities don't mesh. We both have strong presence and when two people are in the same room like that, it's like there is a battle over everything.
I've attempted suicide. A few times. I've failed. I've been hospitalized. I have a heart disease that if I don't take medication for it, I will drop dead. It was discovered when I was 13! I've been in a life threatening car accident and i'm still here. Nothing has taken me yet. Because of all of that, I believe that i'm here for a reason. Be it for greatness or maybe i'm here just to help my mom. Maybe that's my purpose in life. But whatever it is, I wanna find out what it is. I will keep on living to figure it out.
You have gone through some shit, and you have probably loads more that has happened that wasn't stated, just like I do. That doesn't mean you roll over and die because of it. I want to sit down with my future wife and have her say, "my gosh, you've been through a lot. I can't believe you're still sane."