I'm An Idiot: Part Deux

[Chookes 965]

So I get a phone call this evening, the number isn't withheld, it starts 01228 and my phone says Carlisle. Ok, I don't know anyone in Carlisle so I'm guessing it's someone calling from a place that wants to sell me stuff.

 

I answer with "hello", and the guy, LOUDLY, replies...

 

"Hello Euan, how are you this evening?"

 

South African. Loud. It had to be Diddums. "Hi Dave, how's it going?"

 

"Euan, my name is not Dave, I am Rory."

 

My dad does a lot of prank calls. You phone his shop and he answers pretending to be an Indian takeaway. The accent is horrendous and probably a little racist but he's trying to be funny so you let him off. That's what I instantly thought of when Diddums called. I thought that the least he could do when phoning me and pretending to be "Rory" was to try and at least fake an accent. No, he phones and he sounds exactly like he normally does except everytime I called him Dave, he said "my name isn't Dave".

 

At one point, I think I remember telling Dave that I knew it was him because there was no way he could get rid of his South African accent, and "Rory", confused, went "well, duh, I am South African."

 

He decided then to go deeper into his little charade and said he was from Betway and asked if I was watching the Atletico/Chelsea game tonight. To humour him (he still was keeping in character so I was giving him some extra time to keep him happy), I said "no".

 

"But we have great odds on the game tonight." He gave me some odds and told me if I bet £50 I'd get £750 back. I wasn't listening, at this point I thought I was listening to the worst prank call ever so I just kept saying "yes" to his questions. I lost interest, all the time thinking "Dave, you could be doing better FFS." He then told me he was going to send something to my email address and told me what my address was. At this point, I gave him a little credit for getting it right. However, he can easily get my email address from the site. Nice try, but not great. Mediocre. C+. Distinctly average.

 

He then wished me a good evening and saying goodbye. I didn't expect him to hang up. So I sent him a WhatsApp:

 

 

Just after that question, this SMS arrives:

 

 

OOPS. The guy must have thought I was an asshole. He must have thought I was drunk calling him Dave all the time or racist telling him to get rid of his South African accent. The rest of the message to Dave:

 

 

 

[Madjonny 386]

Lmao! That's hilarious... The smirk was getting bigger and bigger the further down I read...

[Plumbers Crack 4,059]

Tell me you haven't bet on Chelsea to win tonight by accident?

[Chookes 965]

Nopers.

[Diddums 4,346]

Euan, I love you.

 

 

That is all.

[Chookes 965]

My wife enjoyed this too .

 

"You're an idiot" .

[Dattebayo 446]

I need a British-->Murican dictionary to translate all of this damn lingo.

I'm pretty sure Diddums called you a bag of chips or summat. xD

[Plumbers Crack 4,059]

"David Knobbe" as the contact name! Love that!  

[burnfitbillyboy 505]

I never thought you could beat the train story but my god this is epic! To be fair though I would have thought the exact same as you.

[tronic44 3,642]

This the brilliant! 

 

What a fanny.

[Chookes 965]

"David Knobbe" as the contact name! Love that!  

I forgot I had him down as that!

[Diddums 4,346]

Funny story that.

 

A few years ago I'm given an entire building to look after. It's huge, 5 stories tall and it's right behind Selfridges on Oxford Street, so a fairly high profile building. The former engineer made a mess of loads of things there and generally created a very hostile tension between us and the client. He was punted off of site and I was sent in as the clean up crew.

 

So I get cracking, after about two weeks things are looking good, I've got the emergency lights working, the legionella count is dropping, etc etc. Much commendations, many praise, etc etc.

 

Then one day the power goes out. Entire building, all dead. The building manager comes to me in a huff and all hell breaks loose. Eventually I suss it out and it's down to EDF doing some maintenance on a transformer and blowing a phase.

 

Eventually it's all reset and we're back to normal, but everyone's blaming me.

 

So I get behind my PC and start writing out an email with all the details, explanations, etc etc.

 

I look over it about a hundred times and it looks good (I can't stress how important this email was).

 

Outlook only fucking changed my surname to "Knobbed".

 

My boss saw the humour but I was never seen on that site again.