Cal's tips on necrophilia

[Just Cal 461]

*Mark recommended this thread. I don't know how he knew but lets go....*

 

Cal's tips on necrophilia

 

1 - Make sure they're ready:

 

Before you venture down the road of necrophilia, you need to make sure your new partner is actually dead. You can accomplish this by putting your thumb in the rectum. If they are alive, they might get pissed off. If they don't flinch then you're all set to start.

 

You could skip the testing stage by getting a shovel (or a JCB if you're really looking to party) and heading to your local hotspot. This could be a graveyard or even a retirement home if you're the patient type.

 

2 - Find a romantic spot:

 

You could be the naturist type and go at it there and then but if you want to keep it intimate, I'd suggest finding a nice secluded place. A lot of people make the mistake of bringing them home for coffee.

 

DON'T do this.

 

The smell of.......intimacy mixed with rotting flesh can cause a dip in the sensual mood. Find a romantic abandoned warehouse or derelict house. Maybe go back to their place? It's not like they're using anyway.

 

3 - Set the mood:

 

Some incense goes a long way. I recommend lavender.

 

4 - Prepare yourselves: 

 

KY or Smuckers will allow you and your partner have fun without that horrible chafing feeling. Your new lady/boy friend isn't in a position to get......moist, without a helping hand.

 

5 - Be prepared for the break-up:

 

Your new partners hygiene might start to get to you so always keep your options open. Keep an eye on the obituary pages in the newspaper. You never know, your high school crush who you were never good enough for might get hit by a car.

 

Bitch can't say no now....

 

6 - Go at it like a rabbit and a dead hare:

 

You're ready now for some intimacy. Remember to clean up accordingly after fun-time is over (remember the hygiene)

 

7 - The actual break-up:

 

You now need to let them down lightly. Dig a fresh hole and gently lower them into it (you were in love once).

You could also bring them back to their grave but the po-po might be watching.

 

8 - Rinse and repeat

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*This is by no means a real guide and I don't condone sticking your wick into the dead community. It's wrong man.

[JsinOwl 644]

[Diddums 4,346]

What the fuck am I meant to do with this?

[Stretch616 697]

Not quite what i'd call general discussion, but they are valid tips all the same!

[uberwarrior 373]

What the fuck am I meant to do with this?

Learn from it and use this valuable knowledge to brighten up your life

[Just Cal 461]

What the fuck am I meant to do with this?

 

Embrace it.

 

Use it.

[deterioration 443]

Is improper disposal of human remains a felony or an infraction?

[Just Cal 461]

Is improper disposal of human remains a felony or an infraction?

 

Neither. It's just unprofessional.

[Plumbers Crack 4,062]

Cal, had you considered doing accompanying guides on flagellation and beastiality......or would that be flogging a dead horse?

[Diddums 4,346]

One thread is enough thanks, I'd really prefer to stay off MI5's radar for a bit longer.

[Just Cal 461]

I have fine print at the bottom of the post. Blame Mark anyway. Your influential shoutbox too.

[Chookes 965]

Apart from the lavender, I use coconut essence, it's reassuring to know I've been pretty much doing it right.

Thanks for this Cal.

[uberwarrior 373]

I have fine print at the bottom of the post. Blame Mark anyway. Your influential shoutbox too.

Jesus it's like being at home, getting blamed for everything!!

[tronic44 3,642]

You know when the read the title of a thread and you're thinking, naaaaa surely not but then you find out that the title was spot on.

 

Yeah.......wtf guys???   

 

How have i just booked you in to get around mine? 

[deterioration 443]

"Bring out your dead!"

...so Cal can give um a poke!

[Dattebayo 446]

[Just Cal 461]

A lot of people don't know whats going on 

 

I was bored today and what started as a shoutbox joke turned into this hahahahaha

I apologize.

[Docwagon 856]

[Dr Diamond 407]

erection.tif

[Sennex 1,903]

Dude, you had zero mention of a curling iron to warm things up.

 

Honestly how is that NOT on the list here! No one wants to crack open a cold one without at least a little fire in the middle, if you know what I mean.

[Just Cal 461]

Dude, you had zero mention of a curling iron to warm things up.

 

Honestly how is that NOT on the list here! No one wants to crack open a cold one without at least a little fire in the middle, if you know what I mean.

 

Ah. I apologize for missing out on that.

As a freshman to the bachelor game, I don't have curling irons lying around anymore. When there was one or two, I had vag that was still alive so never considered it. It's a horrible catch 22 TBH.

[Sennex 1,903]

Be Prepared son!

 

Not having a curling iron, when dipping into the dark smelly nethers of the grave, is like going to a gun fight with a really stumpy billy club.

[Just Cal 461]

That's my next investment. Would holding it open and breathing (you know the breath people use just before wiping their glasses) help in any way?

[Sennex 1,903]

That's my next investment. Would holding it open and breathing (you know the breath people use just before wiping their glasses) help in any way?

 

Not really.

I use this:

(Obviously not something this wide for you, they make thinner, shorter ones that you should check out)

 

Now there are a ton on the market, I personally think that ones that have a "Misting" action, or a Steam Setting, are the best way to go.

You want to "heat up" not "burn"

 

Be sure to test out the settings on something basic at first, and then slowly build up to your special date night.

[Wolfensteinsaurus 1]

Thanks! me and my partner, who has recently been deceased have been having trouble getting intimate!.

 

Thanks for helping my relationship!.

 

 

-Wolfen