Just Cal 461 Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 *Mark recommended this thread. I don't know how he knew but lets go....* Cal's tips on necrophilia 1 - Make sure they're ready: Before you venture down the road of necrophilia, you need to make sure your new partner is actually dead. You can accomplish this by putting your thumb in the rectum. If they are alive, they might get pissed off. If they don't flinch then you're all set to start. You could skip the testing stage by getting a shovel (or a JCB if you're really looking to party) and heading to your local hotspot. This could be a graveyard or even a retirement home if you're the patient type. 2 - Find a romantic spot: You could be the naturist type and go at it there and then but if you want to keep it intimate, I'd suggest finding a nice secluded place. A lot of people make the mistake of bringing them home for coffee. DON'T do this. The smell of.......intimacy mixed with rotting flesh can cause a dip in the sensual mood. Find a romantic abandoned warehouse or derelict house. Maybe go back to their place? It's not like they're using anyway. 3 - Set the mood: Some incense goes a long way. I recommend lavender. 4 - Prepare yourselves: KY or Smuckers will allow you and your partner have fun without that horrible chafing feeling. Your new lady/boy friend isn't in a position to get......moist, without a helping hand. 5 - Be prepared for the break-up: Your new partners hygiene might start to get to you so always keep your options open. Keep an eye on the obituary pages in the newspaper. You never know, your high school crush who you were never good enough for might get hit by a car. Bitch can't say no now.... 6 - Go at it like a rabbit and a dead hare: You're ready now for some intimacy. Remember to clean up accordingly after fun-time is over (remember the hygiene) 7 - The actual break-up: You now need to let them down lightly. Dig a fresh hole and gently lower them into it (you were in love once). You could also bring them back to their grave but the po-po might be watching. 8 - Rinse and repeat *This is by no means a real guide and I don't condone sticking your wick into the dead community. It's wrong man. spectre, Stretch616 and Chookes 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JsinOwl 644 Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 Just Cal 1 If you decide to put your dick in crazy, be ready to change your phone number and relocate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diddums 4,308 Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 What the fuck am I meant to do with this? TigerBurge, Plumbers Crack and Just Cal 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stretch616 697 Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 Not quite what i'd call general discussion, but they are valid tips all the same! Just Cal, Glen11 and TigerBurge 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
uberwarrior 373 Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 What the fuck am I meant to do with this? Learn from it and use this valuable knowledge to brighten up your life Just Cal, TigerBurge and Plumbers Crack 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Cal 461 Posted September 23, 2013 Author Share Posted September 23, 2013 What the fuck am I meant to do with this? Embrace it. Use it. Plumbers Crack, Docwagon and TigerBurge 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deterioration 443 Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 Is improper disposal of human remains a felony or an infraction? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Cal 461 Posted September 23, 2013 Author Share Posted September 23, 2013 Is improper disposal of human remains a felony or an infraction? Neither. It's just unprofessional. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plumbers Crack 4,052 Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 Cal, had you considered doing accompanying guides on flagellation and beastiality......or would that be flogging a dead horse? Thanks to Capn_Underpants for the artwork Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diddums 4,308 Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 One thread is enough thanks, I'd really prefer to stay off MI5's radar for a bit longer. TigerBurge and tronic44 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Cal 461 Posted September 23, 2013 Author Share Posted September 23, 2013 I have fine print at the bottom of the post. Blame Mark anyway. Your influential shoutbox too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chookes 965 Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 Apart from the lavender, I use coconut essence, it's reassuring to know I've been pretty much doing it right. Thanks for this Cal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
uberwarrior 373 Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 I have fine print at the bottom of the post. Blame Mark anyway. Your influential shoutbox too. Jesus it's like being at home, getting blamed for everything!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tronic44 3,640 Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 You know when the read the title of a thread and you're thinking, naaaaa surely not but then you find out that the title was spot on. Yeah.......wtf guys??? How have i just booked you in to get around mine? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deterioration 443 Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 "Bring out your dead!" ...so Cal can give um a poke! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dattebayo 446 Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Cal 461 Posted September 23, 2013 Author Share Posted September 23, 2013 A lot of people don't know whats going on I was bored today and what started as a shoutbox joke turned into this hahahahaha I apologize. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Docwagon 856 Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 Diddums and Just Cal 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Diamond 407 Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 erection.tif Chookes said:I absoloutely prefer it this way. You have overall more control. You can finish one guy off first, or all ten Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sennex 1,903 Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 Dude, you had zero mention of a curling iron to warm things up. Honestly how is that NOT on the list here! No one wants to crack open a cold one without at least a little fire in the middle, if you know what I mean. Just Cal 1 Luke 23:34 'And Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they don't think it be like it is, but it do." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Cal 461 Posted October 29, 2013 Author Share Posted October 29, 2013 Dude, you had zero mention of a curling iron to warm things up. Honestly how is that NOT on the list here! No one wants to crack open a cold one without at least a little fire in the middle, if you know what I mean. Ah. I apologize for missing out on that. As a freshman to the bachelor game, I don't have curling irons lying around anymore. When there was one or two, I had vag that was still alive so never considered it. It's a horrible catch 22 TBH. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sennex 1,903 Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 Be Prepared son! Not having a curling iron, when dipping into the dark smelly nethers of the grave, is like going to a gun fight with a really stumpy billy club. Luke 23:34 'And Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they don't think it be like it is, but it do." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Cal 461 Posted October 29, 2013 Author Share Posted October 29, 2013 That's my next investment. Would holding it open and breathing (you know the breath people use just before wiping their glasses) help in any way? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sennex 1,903 Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 That's my next investment. Would holding it open and breathing (you know the breath people use just before wiping their glasses) help in any way? Not really. I use this: (Obviously not something this wide for you, they make thinner, shorter ones that you should check out) Now there are a ton on the market, I personally think that ones that have a "Misting" action, or a Steam Setting, are the best way to go. You want to "heat up" not "burn" Be sure to test out the settings on something basic at first, and then slowly build up to your special date night. Luke 23:34 'And Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they don't think it be like it is, but it do." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wolfensteinsaurus 1 Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 Thanks! me and my partner, who has recently been deceased have been having trouble getting intimate!. Thanks for helping my relationship!. -Wolfen Sennex 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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