Poor me thread

[Dockter 17]

I really don't know why I'm even writting this, just need to get some of this out and this is the only forum I'm on and although I don't talk to many of  you much this place is probably the best corner of the net.

 

So I'm in a rough spot lately. For anyone that read the drugs thread on the old forum know that I started messing with that stuff early and sold and was heavily addicted to coke until about the age of 23. I lived off and on with my dad from 10-16 but he was never really around even when I lived there. I have very little contact with him today even though we live in the same city. My mom is going through a pretty rough divorce and the guy she is divorcing I was very close to but he straight up lied to me and had been having an afair for over a year. He is actually the only older male I've ever been close to and looked to him for guidance. I haven't talked to him in about 4 months. Along with this my grandma has COPD. They have given her about 6 months to live. I lived with my grandma off and on all through my childhood and also lived with her from 16-18 and after I got back from Job Corps in Utah. She has pretty much always been my rock. I've been with a girl for about 5 years that I've honestly never thought was forever. Earlier this month I finally had the balls to sit down and talk to her because we want such different things. She wants marraige and kids and I honestly couldn't see that with her. I know I never seen myself marrying her and having kids scare the hell out of me. My parents were not the best parents and I'm afraid of failing. Also I know that if anything ever happened to one of my kids I would not be able to recover. I know I wouldn't recover I know I would relapse and I know I would not come out of it. I love kids to death and everyone says what a great dad I would be but I don't think I have the balls for it.

 

Now to the main reason for posting. I'm 27 and  I feel like I'm at a crossroads in my life and don't know what to do. I'm not happy with my job I've been at for 7 years. I work for Wells Fargo and I'm on the computer all day but I don't know what I want to do. I've got comfortable here and stopped caring. I feel like the only time I'm happy is when I'm alone and find something to turn my brain off. I've started drinking more than I should again and right now it helps but I know it wont keep helping. I've thought about stuff I know I shouldn't do but I feel like my will power to stay away from it is becoming less and less every week. I've gotten out of shape yet can't find the energy to get out and workout like I used to love doing. Honestly for the most part real life interaction with people lately just stresses me out more and tires the shit out of me to the point that I lock myself in my apartment most nights and when I get to work I put on my headphones and don't talk to anyone. I feel like it takes me a week just to recover from going out and hanging out with people although I still try to do it so my family will stop worrying. I think I've been depressed for a long time yet don't want to see a dr because I hate the pills they normally push on me. Basically I feel like I'm losing everything that meant something to me in my life and I don't know what I can do to fix it. I always like to be in control and lately I feel lost and don't know what the hell to do. Does anyone know how to break out of this funk without the use of pills? I hate how the shit they normally prescribe make me feel or not feel. I feel like a fkn zombie with the shit they put me on and I would rather be pissed off at the world than have no feeling at all.

[Drifter 851]

Takes courage to share things like that with people. I am really tied up at the moment and want to reply to ya but can't dedicate the amount of time it desrves right now, so I'll post again later this evening when I have some free time to really sit down and reply properly.

[JsinOwl 644]

I'll be back

[Diddums 4,346]

Wow, this is in some ways like looking in a mirror. As most of the folks here know, I've also overcome a drug addiction. It got so bad, I left the country because my willpower wasn't enough. I have never had a father, my grandparents were always there for me and my mother went through hell and high waters to give me the best she could, despite every month having to count the pennies. 

 

What I'll say is this:

 

 

This isn't the time for you to be down about stuff like this. This is an opportunity. It's a time for you to lose the shackles you have, and start living your own life. It's always shit to lose people who you can depend on, but it does teach you to fend for yourself and become a stronger person. 

 

Your breakup with your girlfriend might have been exactly what you need. If you were in a stale relationship, there's really no point staying. See this as an opportunity to find someone new, someone exciting, someone you want to buy flowers for and spend time with. Until then, use this time to think about your priorities in life. It sounds to me like you're in a rut and need a change. Sometimes changing one aspect of your life is enough, sometimes it's better to change as much as you can. In this case, your relationship was stale, your job is stale, you're potentially losing some loved ones (sorry if that came out wrong), so it's time for you to throw your life up in the air and see how you land. 

 

Career wise, a change of environment can make a massive difference. I changed job recently having spent 4 years working for the same company. I do pretty much exactly the same thing, except for a different firm. I'm loving it. I work crazy hours, 12 of them a day, but I also get tons of time off. I make a decent living, and I'm generally happy with my position. Even if you're doing the same thing in a different firm, a change of environment can make a huge change.

 

I found a person who is just as fucked up as me and we got married. She became my new rock. We're now married and living happily. She keeps me on the straight and narrow, and it sounds to me like this is what you need too. Focus first on finding a job which will make you happy again. This will in turn boost your confidence, which will help when looking at girls. When you lack confidence, any old girl will do, but if you're feeling good about yourself, odds are you'll look a bit deeper and find a woman who suits you better. 

 

Don't see this change as a bad thing. You're young, you have a few years left in you, but just ask yourself this: what are you going to do to get the most out of them?

[spectre 633]

I agree with Diddums. You should use this opportunity to discover yourself.  Alot of the things you have said really resonated with how I was feeling when I was 26. Especially the wanting to be alone all the time and feeling overwhelmed just going out in public. I felt lost. I didn't know how to fit into the world. I thought something was wrong with me.  I even overdosed on a particuarly potent psychedelic by the name of 5-meo-Amt. You haven't heard of it.  I tripped out of my mind for 24 hours and checked myself into the hospital because I thought I was dying.  Having a background in the medical field, I knew there was nothing they could do but the rational part of me knew that I needed medical professionals there to monitor my vital signs just in case.  After this incredibly taxing ordeal in which I imagined all sorts of crazy delusions including my father coming to see me there, I said to myself, I gotta get my shit together.  

 

Probably the single best thing that started me on the path to salvation was discovering myself and my personality type. I'd recommend you first go take this test and read about the results that you get.  "Temet Nosce" = Know Thyself. Knowing is, afterall, half the battle.

 

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

[Drifter 851]

Ya gotta love those tests, I always score the same on any of them I take lol. This one I just did and its the same as always, dead on...

 

ISTP

Introvert(78%)  Sensing(1%)  Thinking(25%)  Perceiving(67)%

• You have strong preference of Introversion over Extraversion (78%)
• You have marginal or no preference of Sensing over Intuition (1%)
• You have moderate preference of Thinking over Feeling (25%)
• You have distinctive preference of Perceiving over Judging (67%)
•  

Anyway as to original post Dockter. It sounds so much like my own life/feelings I could have wrote that so I understand what you are going through. Dave and Jay gave you some good advice, but one thing I would advice against is IF you and her do break up, don't go looking to get into another relationship right away. The reason I say that is because your at a point in your life where you are having trouble finding and loving yourself for who you are, so how could you love someone else if you are a bit lost yourself? If you guys break up then take a bit of time and try to find out for yourself what you really want to do in life, and what really makes you happy. Then you can start looking for someone to share that life with.

 

Far as the drinking and such, I've always been very upfront about my past so I know all about what your dealing with. First thing is that drinking to feel better because of problems is a very dark and troubled road. What starts as just a one day a week type thing only drinking one night quickly turns to two three, then almost everyday of the week deal. With the introvert personalities we have that is not a good thing because we end up drinking way too much, way too often, alone in a dark room wallowing in our problems. And when that happens theres only three outcomes....Jail, Death, or recovery. So nip that in the bud before you have to seriously deal with one of those three things.

 

As to the job, don't make any sudden decisions yet about that until you have really thought it out and know exactly what you want to do. Last thing you want is to quite then realize you can't find another job or it ends up being a worse job than this one. So think about what really makes you happy in a job and work towards that. You always need money to pay bills so don't get me wrong when I say this, but I have found money is secondary to happiness in work/life. Who cares if you are making tons of money if you dreed getting up to go to a job you hate every morning. Think about what really makes you happy and try to start looking into a change in a field in that direction over time.

 

My parents were not the best parents and I'm afraid of failing. Also I know that if anything ever happened to one of my kids I would not be able to recover. I know I wouldn't recover I know I would relapse and I know I would not come out of it. I love kids to death and everyone says what a great dad I would be but I don't think I have the balls for it.

 

 

 

Evenything each of us does in life is a risk. It does not matter if it is getting married or having kids or simply going out the door in the morning, everything we do in life comes with a risk. But without risk there is no reward. If we decided to not do something simply because we may fail then what would be the point of life? We'd be a bunch of drones living a meaningless pointless unhappy life. Never be afraid to do something simply because you are scared of what "could" happen. Life is just a speck on the timeline for us so you have to try to make your time here meaningful and happy. Don't waste it.

 

Anyway that's just my .02 for what it's worth.

[uberwarrior 373]

You've had plenty of extremely good advice so far, and you'd do well to take it in board. At the age you are life should feel a lot rosier than you are obviously feeling right now. I was just a little older than when I went through a really bad patch for reason I won't go into now.

 

The thing I picked up on more than anything was your comment regarding having kids. By the time I was your age I had 2 young daughters and absolutely loved (and stiil do) to bits. The first one was most definitely unplanned and I thought no I'm nowhere near ready to be a Father.

 

The day she was born stands out as being one of the greatest day's of my life, the pride and overwhelming love I felt the first time I held her cannot be described by words alone. The same was true when her sister was born and when my 2 son's came along a good few years later.

 

I always used to think I never wanted kids, how wrong I was. They bring so much joy, pride, heartache and at times pain, but I would not swap them for the world. I would lay down my life for them without a second thought.

 

My point is. The very fact that you are questioning whether you would be a good Father is what would make you just that. Don't dismiss the idea going forwards because you don't think you'd be good enough or you're scared of what "could" happen. They would bring a whole new way of thinking into your life. All I'm asking is, hold this thought for the future.

 

Right now, do as the others have stated, discover and be yourself. Find and do things that make you feel alive, try new things, experience things you've never done before. Live!!

[tronic44 3,642]

This is also, in some ways like looking in a mirror for me. I can't really add anything more than what has already been said but will say a few things. Having suffered with addiction myself it takes a strong person to stand up and admit when he has made a mistake. Like people have probably told you, the start to recovery is admitting you have an addiction in the first place. The fact that you'd write all this should give you hope because you don't want to feel like this and talking to people about it is always a good step in the right direction.

 

You may feel like the drink is helping but it's just working in the same way as the drugs would, it just masks the crap feelings you have in side you. It never solves them, like people claim. I don't believe any of this can be solved with drugs, if you go to a Dr and he gives you drugs, wtf?? That's no way to deal with this at all!

 

In terms of your job, if you do look for somewhere new, keep the job you've got until you find somewhere else. I know loads of people that have quit their job before even finding another one, then when they can't find another job they just sit around and sulk all day and it just gets worse and worse.

 

I to feel like i'm at a crossroad in my life, especially about my job. I too am 27 and i'm at that point now where i need to find something new, something that will test me. Maybe that is what you need, something that will test you, something that makes you use your skills so that you finish a day with a smile and you're proud of what you've done.

 

We're still young dude, we're at that stage in our lives where we can choose to changes certain things in our lives. Make the most of it dude! and don't be a stranger on here, we're all here if you need to talk.

[Dockter 17]

Thanks for all the great responses. I guess this is why I felt comfortable writting this here. I don't have much time at work today beings I got put on a project (something I'm actually looking forward to). I just want to say thanks to everyone that responded and it actually helped to get it out. I haven't talked to anyone about any of this and as soon as I wrote it I felt a little better. Hoping to get on tonight after work before pool. Just wanted to drop a quick line and say thanks to you all and it's good to know I have somewhere to go that I can get shit out without feeling like an idiot.

[tronic44 3,642]

You should never feel like an idiot for telling people how you feel, if people make you feel like that then they're not true friends.

 

Also congrats on the project, really happy that you've got this! Work hard and make yourself proud!