Punching Enemies [From Reddit]

[Sennex 1,903]

http://www.reddit.com/r/DestinyTheGame/comments/2jfu8n/i_punched_every_enemy_in_destiny_and_here_is_how/

 

This shit is funny to me.

 

Here is a quick guide in the punching proficiency of the major enemies found in Destiny. I went around and fist fought just about everything in the game to measure how well they stand up in a fight. I even punched out Fallen Walkers and Cabal tanks, just to be as thorough as possible. I am leaving out the flying and stationary units, because, you know, no fists.

 

The Vex

 

The Vex are a little confusing. For a race that has mastered time travel, their main foot soldiers seem to be stuck in the 90s. Instead swinging their metallic mitts at your face, the Goblins would rather stand back and put their hand up in a sassy "Don't go there!" style pose. All they need to do to finish the look is put their hands on their hips while Hobgoblins put up their digital drapes and snap their fingers saying "Uh uh no you di nt" Powerfully pathetic. And you would think with a name like Minotaur, the larger units would be bigger bullies. Instead, they kind of leap at you. A strong as leap to be sure, but they are already swinging their arms rock'em sock'em style, so why not aim one of those metal mandibles to a dome or two? Instead, they end up looking like John Goodman playing hopscotch. The Vex have been weighed, measured, and found wanting.

 

Vex ranking: one thumb out of fist, and I am being generous.

 

The Hive

 

The Thralls have the right idea, but piss poor execution. They leap at you with the fervor one could only get with a wrongly decrypted engram. Unfortunately, they end up doing more sissy slap fight style fighting than actual punching. And they disintegrate if you breath on them, which is no good. Acolytes would rather play lazer tag than fight, and Ogres are to busy trying to order new contacts for their special eye. All they end up doing is the Hokey Pokey if you get close enough to punch them. Wizards run at the mere mention of melee.The Knights are a little better, attacking with a sword, which is kind of like a bladed punch in it's own way. But even they would rather put up a curtain and play hide and go seek then get into any meaningful fist exchange.

 

The Hive rating: 3 fingers out of fist. Maybe things will get better, but for now, pathetic.

 

The Cabal

 

One would expect a race of Michael Bay Ninja Turtles would be better versed in the sweet science. One would be wrong. Much like Mr. Bay, they are much more interested in explosions than exploiting faces to be punched. The Legionaries use their enormous bulk to...gingerly pistol whip you. When you have arms the size of a god damn satellite dish, use them to knock someone into space, not act like they are a picture you are trying to hang on the wall when you don't have a stud finder. The Phalanx have the right idea. You get to close and they will shield bash your spirit in half. While this is aesthetically pleasing, it is not at the end of the day, a punch, so they get points off. The Goliath units seem too shocked when you punch them to form any meaningful counter attack. It's like, man why would I not punch you? YOU ARE HUGE! THAT MEANS YOU HAVE HUGE GUTS! RIP AND TEAR RIP AND TEAR! And Psions, Traveler bless them, they try but they would rather jump in the air and electric fart on the ground than fight. I am so disappointed with the Cabal I could punch a ghost.

 

Cabal Ranking: 5 southpaws out of fist. At least they are sturdy, which means they can at least take a punch without glittering out of existence

 

The Fallen

 

Let's not mince words: the Dregs are punks at pugilism. Put down that toothpick of a knife and learn how to bash brains already! But I will say this, when it's time for a punch to be launched, Vandals and Captains have their fingers clearly on the red button. Full bodied, waist turning, no nonsense leather scented punches! Finally! You stand toe to toe with Fallen elite, prepare to punch with all your power, or else you will have to hear Dinklebot say "I'll work faster" for the umptenth time.

 

Fallen ranking: 7 1/2 Haymakers out of fist. To bad they are like, the cruddiest enemies in the game.

 

Special Mention

 

The Queen's brother: I don't know if he can throw a punch, and quite frankly I don't care. The day I get to punch him will be a good day indeed.

 

Atheon His constitution is as weak as the area he is named after. Runs from combat. Giant dude. Giant chicken

 

The Archon Priest Ground pounds. Runs. Laughs. I hate him.

[JsinOwl 644]

I demand the return of the like button!

[Plumbers Crack 4,055]

OP *like*

[Plumbers Crack 4,055]

I demand the return of the like button!

*nope*

 

cause you can only *like* it, you can't *mega-like* or *hubba-hubba like* and besides it generates more posts for the site