Kinda been wondering..what's the point?

[Xethius 59]

I'm sorry to post a depressing topic and im seriously not trying to make this a poor me thread. I'm just looking for some comfort and or relation.

 

I've been having a very rough week with my depression. It's been a rough month actually. I don't know why but these thoughts of death pop into my head at a normal ratio of 1 to 2. So i think about it half the time im conscious...   

I can't for the life of me understand or even get why i'm having these thoughts. At least the ones about death. I have on seldom occasions suicidal thoughts....And I think I know the problem..i just sit there and dwell on the past so much :/ i'm often very pessimistic and have a "worst case scenario" outtake on life in general..just very negative. Sometimes I just wanna end so i can save myself from fighting another losing battle. I wish i was more optimistic and had a more postive approach to things. I mean I want to, but can I? 

 

Idk guys can any of you relate? And also just for facts wise: I'm 21 so i'm not a teenager going through a phase. I've suffered from depression atleast since I was 12. I guess I'm just looking for advice here as to what the fuck im suppose to do with myself.

 

I use to workout so much, and now i've turned into some pudgey couch potato. I wanna get my body back to the way it was before...I wanna have goals for myself. And I do. Just sorta feeling lost atm. Not going to college bc i dont know what i wanna do yet or if im even taking that route. I had an interview but the guy ultimately chose someone else..  I GUESS im feeling bummed out about it......just a bad day...............

 

:/

[Commander_Undies 618]

I'm sure someone is going to type up something that is worth the read. I'm not really good at advise on life. I feel like I haven't experienced life yet.

 

But i'll tell you what I do know, and that is that you're not alone. Everyone on this forum has been depressed at one point or another. Some of us, we are just depressed more then others, and that's okay. But when you start thinking about these suicidal thoughts, that's not.

 

Suicide is a selfish act. You have a new nephew coming and you want to be there for him, correct? You have a twin brother, that probably wouldn't be able to look at himself in the mirror without thinking about you, trust me, I know. That alone should be enough for you to stop thinking about those horrible thoughts.

 

You know what you want to do with your body, you just need motivation to do it. I suggest using this forum as motivation. Use your PPR as a workout diary. Take some notes on what you have done, post some weekly improvement photos and/or get involved on one of Spectre's threads on working out. I find that when I'm trying to work out my body, I tell people and if they are noticing me not doing it, it embarrasses me. That is my motivation, not letting others down, while continuing to improve myself.

 

I'm here for you, as always. You have my number and you know where my inbox is.

[Madjonny 386]

I always read these threads and there's always something I an relate to in there... I just don't know how to respond...

When I feel depressed or upset it usually stems from a bad day at work and carries on from there, I ussually forget when I get home and see my dog and my family.

Sorry I can't be any help but I understand your situation...

[uberwarrior 373]

I'm not going to pull any punches here, so I'll apologise in advance if I put a nose or two out of joint.

 

In my past I have lost several people extremely close to me, the hardest one to deal with was the passing of my first wife to cancer when she was at the tender age of 31.

 

She used to get so angry at people even contemplating suicide, seeing as she was literally fighting for her life during a long and protracted illness. She DIDN'T want to die, but to live and grow old. See her daughters grow up and do all the things that most of us take for granted.

 

I have the same philosophy on life. Depression is difficult to overcome I fully understand that, I've been there myself. Ultimately, the individual is the only person that can actually make the choice to get themselves out of that rut. I just wish people would see past the bad things that they perceive to be taking over their lives and look at all the good that is around them. You get to wake up every morning with your physical health very much in tact. You do not have the very black cloud of terminal illness hanging over you. You have a full life to look forwards to, LIVE IT!!

 

The only time that I think suicide is justified is if illness or impairment are so bad, that you cannot function in any way as the person you were. I watched my step father go through all the awful processes of motor neurons disease, which completely takes away every aspect of your bodies functionality, even to the point of breathing on your own. He suffered beyond what I could possibly imagine and I watched the life literally drain out of him.

 

I am so thankful to have the gift of life and health, we ALL should be. There are so many people in the world who simply survive on a day to day basis. We, in the Western world don't have a clue how that must be, yet we over complicate our lives to such an extent that we can't see the wood for the trees.

 

I truly wish that people would take a leaf out of Mike's book. He has more to deal with on a daily basis than many of us would see in a lifetime and yet always seems to look on the brighter side of life.

 

We all have bad days, granted. BUT that is all it should be, a bad DAY!

 

We have one shot at this life and we are lucky to live where we do. I have seen poverty and hardship when I travel for work, and I am always thankful that my life by comparison is so much easier.

[Chookes 965]

Losing your wife that young is heartbreaking .

[uberwarrior 373]

Losing your wife that young is heartbreaking .

It was, but she left me with 2 beautiful gifts. My daughters

[Xethius 59]

First off, thanks for the advice's guys. Especially Mike and Mark. Mike, thank you for your post I appreciate everything you said, and I'll always be there for you too I will get back into my working out, and I will try for myself to do better things to make me feel better. I'm feeling alot better that way today and that's because of ur post ^^  Mark, I'm terribly sorry that has happened to you. I couldn't even begin to fathom losing the love of my life. That would definitely destroy me.

 

We've all been dealt a different hand in life. I get that, and I should be thankful for everything that I have. I've got a roof over my head, I believe I'm in decent health, I still have my GF and my twin bro along with my new nephew to look forward too. I do have it better than alot of people I get that, and i am thankful for it. It's what pushes me along in life. to try for them and to believe in myself.

 

Unfortunately it dosent stop the thoughts. I dont think ive made it clear that ive had a rough life growing up...I got picked on all the damn time at school got bullied called mean names...so i ended up dropping out in the 7th grade...i still regret that to this day. why? because i never got to experience highschool. things coulda been different i coulda had friends and the like. that may seem minimal to you guys...but its made me into the person i am today. I'm quiet, awkward, and just introverted. i did homeschool too so thats part of the reason as well. when i did that my dad who was an abusive alcoholic beat me and my brother alot. Like when i didnt get a math problem right he'd smack a 3 pound fucking math book on my head until i got it right. if i cried or retaliated he'd smack me fuckin harder. That's just one example of how traumatizing that homeschool was for me and my bro. Did we get thru it? yes but it fucked both of us up. I graduated with a ged when i was 16. awesome right? Nope i had opportunities to go to college and do all that. what did i do? just sit on my ass and play vid games. in a dark room all by myself. And here i am today a deeply depressed, dark, angry and bitter man. And i'm only 21. I feel like ive  been through it all even though i probably barely scratched the surface. When you experience all of those things, it makes you feel like you dont wanna try, or you don't wanna live.  I feel like basically a reject to society and that i'll never fit in with anyone...that ill always be alone and that ill never find my place. im just a disappointment. my parents tell me that every once in awhile. and I still live with them even though theyre both quite narcissistic filling each others heads full of shit and lies. 

 

THIS is why I contemplate suicide often, this is why i have these thoughts. I'm not ungrateful in the least bit. I'm happy and thankful that i get to wake up and breath air. that i do have the things i have. I just wanted you guys to get alittle more of an idea of what i went thru. I know what I need to do. Even though I feel like i dont deserve the life i have, I will try and make the best of it, and to better the situations. I know suicide is selfish. I know it is, and I know alot of ppl have it alot harder than me, i know. Whewww that took alot for me to say....Idk if i feel better of feel worse...

 

I'm glad i got it off my chest though..

 

Thanks guys

 

[Commander_Undies 618]

John, I get you. I totally get you. I'm so thankful. But I have the most restless thoughts ever. Especially, when i'm trying to sleep at night. This happens every. single. night.

 

My step father was a douche bag, you know that. He has done a lot of things that I just don't speak of. My mom, the one that I care for, she wasn't innocent either. Well, why do you care for her then, Mike?

 

Because you can't let these people get to you. You can't let these people try and control your life and keep you down. If you let them control you, you'll be just like them.

 

Just because you didn't go to college then, doesn't mean that you still can't. Your life is not over. It's not even close to being over with. People that are 40 years old realize that they don't like what they're doing and go back to school. Shit happens.

 

I don't know if our minds are just different... but I can't disagree with you more with "When you experience all of those things, it makes you feel like you don't wanna try, or you don't wanna live." I wanna live more then anybody!!! I want to go, I'm ready. I agree with feeling like a reject to society. I feel like no one is going to look at me like i'm good enough because I don't have a high school diploma. But that just motivates me more to prove these people wrong. Because they are, they're dead wrong. I don't have a piece of paper that says I graduated, that doesn't mean i'm not smart. I'm smarter then A LOT of the people who slid through and got their diploma. Quite frankly, I don't know how some of those pot heads did it.

 

You feel like a disappointment because you believe your parents who are bullies. But, i'm supposed to believe my parents, Mike. No. There are somethings my mother says to me and I call "Bullshit" as soon as it leaves her mouth. Bullies have problems and like to put people down. You know that. They are probably telling you that you're a disappointment because THEY are. You said it yourself, they fill their heads full of shit and lies. Don't let them fill your head with the same thing. You're better than that. You are. It doesn't matter if they are your parents, you need to stick up for yourself. My mom and I fight almost everyday sometimes. Because our personalities don't mesh. We both have strong presence and when two people are in the same room like that, it's like there is a battle over everything.

 

I've attempted suicide. A few times. I've failed. I've been hospitalized. I have a heart disease that if I don't take medication for it, I will drop dead. It was discovered when I was 13! I've been in a life threatening car accident and i'm still here. Nothing has taken me yet. Because of all of that, I believe that i'm here for a reason. Be it for greatness or maybe i'm here just to help my mom. Maybe that's my purpose in life. But whatever it is, I wanna find out what it is. I will keep on living to figure it out.

 

You have gone through some shit, and you have probably loads more that has happened that wasn't stated, just like I do. That doesn't mean you roll over and die because of it. I want to sit down with my future wife and have her say, "my gosh, you've been through a lot. I can't believe you're still sane."

[Xethius 59]

 

John, I get you. I totally get you. I'm so thankful. But I have the most restless thoughts ever. Especially, when i'm trying to sleep at night. This happens every. single. night.

 

My step father was a douche bag, you know that. He has done a lot of things that I just don't speak of. My mom, the one that I care for, she wasn't innocent either. Well, why do you care for her then, Mike?

 

Because you can't let these people get to you. You can't let these people try and control your life and keep you down. If you let them control you, you'll be just like them.

 

Just because you didn't go to college then, doesn't mean that you still can't. Your life is not over. It's not even close to being over with. People that are 40 years old realize that they don't like what they're doing and go back to school. Shit happens.

 

I don't know if our minds are just different... but I can't disagree with you more with "When you experience all of those things, it makes you feel like you don't wanna try, or you don't wanna live." I wanna live more then anybody!!! I want to go, I'm ready. I agree with feeling like a reject to society. I feel like no one is going to look at me like i'm good enough because I don't have a high school diploma. But that just motivates me more to prove these people wrong. Because they are, they're dead wrong. I don't have a piece of paper that says I graduated, that doesn't mean i'm not smart. I'm smarter then A LOT of the people who slid through and got their diploma. Quite frankly, I don't know how some of those pot heads did it.

 

You feel like a disappointment because you believe your parents who are bullies. But, i'm supposed to believe my parents, Mike. No. There are somethings my mother says to me and I call "Bullshit" as soon as it leaves her mouth. Bullies have problems and like to put people down. You know that. They are probably telling you that you're a disappointment because THEY are. You said it yourself, they fill their heads full of shit and lies. Don't let them fill your head with the same thing. You're better than that. You are. It doesn't matter if they are your parents, you need to stick up for yourself. My mom and I fight almost everyday sometimes. Because our personalities don't mesh. We both have strong presence and when two people are in the same room like that, it's like there is a battle over everything.

 

I've attempted suicide. A few times. I've failed. I've been hospitalized. I have a heart disease that if I don't take medication for it, I will drop dead. It was discovered when I was 13! I've been in a life threatening car accident and i'm still here. Nothing has taken me yet. Because of all of that, I believe that i'm here for a reason. Be it for greatness or maybe i'm here just to help my mom. Maybe that's my purpose in life. But whatever it is, I wanna find out what it is. I will keep on living to figure it out.

 

You have gone through some shit, and you have probably loads more that has happened that wasn't stated, just like I do. That doesn't mean you roll over and die because of it. I want to sit down with my future wife and have her say, "my gosh, you've been through a lot. I can't believe you're still sane."

 

 

Thanks Mike for the post, this one made me feel alot better I definitely get where youre coming from. I gotta be strong and rise above all the bullshit. I think what I really need to do is just make my situation netter. Gotta get a job, save some money get out of this place, and hopefully figure out what I need to do with life. I understand man, you're gonna have people be nasty to you, and you're right. I can't let them get me down. Gotta just ignore they're bullshit and move on. We only live so long, and we only live once. Gotta make the best of it right? Thanks for the strong, words of encouragement man i cant tell you enough that I appreciate it. I'm feeling alot better tonight after re-reading your and the other guys advices here. 

[Drifter 851]

 

I have on seldom occasions suicidal thoughts....And I think I know the problem..i just sit there and dwell on the past so much :/ i'm often very pessimistic and have a "worst case scenario" outtake on life in general..just very negative.

 

I know it sounds like a cliche, but you can never move forward if you are looking back to the past. I totally understand your depression and thoughts of "why go on?" I had those problems myself back in my 20's, but truth be told I made a lot of my own problems for myself. I don;t want to oversimplify this, but to put it as plain as I can, you simply need to be happy about yourself and other things will fall into place.

 

Far as the thoughts of death. It depends on what way you are thinking about that. If you mean your just thinking about mortality, then that's normal we all do that. Now that I'm in my 40's I think about my own mortality more now then I ever did, especially since my dad died when he was only 52 yrs old. I have the same genes so that worries me. If your thinking suicidal thoughts then that is different, you really should try to talk to someone in person about those thoughts if they are at all serious or often. Because that's a serious thing there and you don't want to let that happen again.

 

Life is short man, 70-80 yrs is nothing but a blip on the radar of eternity, so don't waste your limited time here feeling sorry for yourself or wondering why you are here. We're all here to simply enjoy the gift of life that we were given so make the most of it because once it's over there is no hitting restart.

 

Glad to hear you are feeling better today though for sure!

[Xethius 59]

I know it sounds like a cliche, but you can never move forward if you are looking back to the past. I totally understand your depression and thoughts of "why go on?" I had those problems myself back in my 20's, but truth be told I made a lot of my own problems for myself. I don;t want to oversimplify this, but to put it as plain as I can, you simply need to be happy about yourself and other things will fall into place.

 

Far as the thoughts of death. It depends on what way you are thinking about that. If you mean your just thinking about mortality, then that's normal we all do that. Now that I'm in my 40's I think about my own mortality more now then I ever did, especially since my dad died when he was only 52 yrs old. I have the same genes so that worries me. If your thinking suicidal thoughts then that is different, you really should try to talk to someone in person about those thoughts if they are at all serious or often. Because that's a serious thing there and you don't want to let that happen again.

 

Life is short man, 70-80 yrs is nothing but a blip on the radar of eternity, so don't waste your limited time here feeling sorry for yourself or wondering why you are here. We're all here to simply enjoy the gift of life that we were given so make the most of it because once it's over there is no hitting restart.

 

Glad to hear you are feeling better today though for sure!

 

Thanks for the advice Steve You are correct, i'm just a dot in this world and I gotta make the best of it. You and the other guys advice help me so much. I'm already singing a different toon, trying to eat more healthy, and i'm gonna go down and workout in a few

[Commander_Undies 618]

Good, keep it up!

[spectre 633]

You should never try to fit into society, because it's society that is sick.  It's the pressure of this sickness that is forcing you to go against your own personality.  You should turn the eye inward, not outward.  When you know yourself, discover yourself, you'll realize that there is nothing wrong with you.  The problem is the juxtaposition of your feelings of trying to fit in colliding with your feelings of being yourself.  I know this, because I went through the very same thing when I was in my early 20's.  I almost went to see a psychologist about it.  But there isn't anything wrong with me. I accepted that.

 

Yes, you're not a teenager right now, but you are still maturing.  Men mature all their lives. (you are a Man right?) Watch what happens when you turn 30. You'll realize how immature you were for that 20 something decade. Your true personality will start to solidify itself later on.  For me, it was 31 when I noticed that I didn't care about society anymore.  What's more important? How many friends you have on facebook or happiness?  I'm projecting here, as I am not saying you care about that stuff, but a lot of people do; and they shouldn't.  Technology has further advanced this sickness that is going on.  The only healthy thing to do is to get back to things our ancestors knew to be healthy. Diet, exercise, meditation. etc.

 

I think about how lucky you are though, technology is a double edged sword; can be used for good/evil.  Luckily you have a community here of a vast array of people and their experiences to request advice from. I didn't have that.  

 

Lastly, do something every single day, to further and better your position.  Even if its only doing 10 pushups. Do 11 the next day.  Do something more, each and every day. Drink less, etc.

[Xethius 59]

I hear ya man, all good points. I think it took this post to confirm what i truly know deep with in myself. so thanks man

[Racist Giraffe 73]

You're definitely going to want to do something with yourself. Starting to workout again would be a great idea! Maybe take up another hobby? Going to college would be good, but i can understand not wanting to spend so much money on something you're not sure about. 

 

Even something simple as hanging out with friends more would help. Or if possible, you could try to get a girlfriend? Depression is much worse if you go through it alone, having someone like that by your side would be really helpful. 

 

I don't really know much about you or your situation but you need to keep yourself occupied! How about every night before bed, you write down 10 things you want to achieve tomorrow. They don't need to be big things, just little ones. E.g, Go a walk, Update my PPR, Message 3 old friends, clean out the attic, ect ect

 

Or you could try looking forward towards the future. Just think in 10 years you'll be living in a house somewhere with your wife & you'll have a child and a pet dog named Scruffy! You'll sit at the table every morning and eat breakfast together, then all go off to work/school. You'll get home and relax with some tv, maybe help your child out with their homework, walk the dog and then fall asleep in bed with the woman you love. That's not impossible, theres even a lot of people on here who are already living that.

 

It may not sound really exciting, but isn't it worth living for? 

[Xethius 59]

I have a girlfriend man but thanks for your advice^^ i tell her everything and she makes me feel alot better. idk what i would do without that woman lol. i just dont tell her everything everytime bc i dont wanna bring her down. she's an emotional - sensitive person. But I pretty much do everything you described. basically taking life day by day. I cant wait to see what the future holds for me, one day to be a father and husband. My biggest goal right there lol. 

[spectre 633]

All women are emotional and sensitive. You must be the Rock of Gibraltar for which she can stand against for safety. Women care about security more than looks (where men care about looks; AKA reproduction value over security).  You must be in control at all times.

 

If she suspects she cannot have that life preserver, she'll bounce to the with the first guy that comes along.  Be strong man.